I have been thinking about the meaning of life. The meaning of my path as a avalonian witch and unofficial priestess. I am official enough for The Goddess. I just mean I have taken Kathy Jones priestess training in Glastonbury. I would if I had the money. But I have read her books and I use her priestess training book and a book by Jhena Telyndru Avalon within a lot as well as other books like temples of witchcraft and Morrigan books. The favorite is stephany Woodfield the magic and rituals of the dark Goddess Morrigan. And i do rituals after that book. I also have prayers chants spells rituals I have gathered through the years in my book of shadows.

Anyway as I been sick serveral years it started with liver inflammation 8,5 years ago. I have always had anxiety and depression but after that illness it just got worse every year. My liver was well after a year. My anxiety panicanxiety depression has been worser at times and it has also been alright. I have learned more about magic working with herbs healing crystals for healing and other spells for 20 years although the first 5-7 I was a Christo pagan witch. I still like some angels and have some good friends that are open minded Christians. The last 13 years I have been very focused on my Celtic Avalonian path my devotion to the Morrigan Lady of Avalon, Brigid, Lugh Morgan Le Fay and other Celtic gods like Rhiannon Ceridwen,Cernunnnus. This Celtic avalonian eclectic Wicca path is the one for me.

A couple of years ago. I sank deeper in depression fed up with life my path everything and started to question my path. What was the meaning of me following the Goddess?
What was the meaning of me doing rituals to honor them? Celebrate the moon the seasons? What was the reason for doing magic. Not doing any revenge magic and attack get back at those that harmed me. They live happily as I am eternally miserable. I mean it is not like my life got that much better, my dreams came through I was successful in art, had a good job that I enjoyed wheat where I was following a deity or not weather I was Christian or a devoted Celtic pagan witch priestess. All these thoughts made me ashamed of myself and it was hard to connect to the goddess and enjoy stuff at all. I started to do the magical spiritual stuff without expecting anything. It was great I was at peace for a while. It was lovely to meditate be close to the Goddess. The problem was that I ignored the deep wounds in my soul and mind that came up to the surface over and over. No matter what I did to drown it. No sugar, coke could help. even magic and yoga couldn't help in the long run. Cause I needed to get deep enough. Get to the causes the roots of the pain miserable. Acknowledge it. And let it heal. I stumble and fall a lot.