I have been thinking about the meaning of life. The meaning of my path as a avalonian witch and unofficial priestess. I am official enough for The Goddess. I just mean I have taken Kathy Jones priestess training in Glastonbury. I would if I had the money. But I have read her books and I use her priestess training book and a book by Jhena Telyndru Avalon within a lot as well as other books like temples of witchcraft and Morrigan books. The favorite is stephany Woodfield the magic and rituals of the dark Goddess Morrigan. And i do rituals after that book. I also have prayers chants spells rituals I have gathered through the years in my book of shadows.

Anyway as I been sick serveral years it started with liver inflammation 8,5 years ago. I have always had anxiety and depression but after that illness it just got worse every year. My liver was well after a year. My anxiety panicanxiety depression has been worser at times and it has also been alright. I have learned more about magic working with herbs healing crystals for healing and other spells for 20 years although the first 5-7 I was a Christo pagan witch. I still like some angels and have some good friends that are open minded Christians. The last 13 years I have been very focused on my Celtic Avalonian path my devotion to the Morrigan Lady of Avalon, Brigid, Lugh Morgan Le Fay and other Celtic gods like Rhiannon Ceridwen,Cernunnnus. This Celtic avalonian eclectic Wicca path is the one for me.

A couple of years ago. I sank deeper in depression fed up with life my path everything and started to question my path. What was the meaning of me following the Goddess?
What was the meaning of me doing rituals to honor them? Celebrate the moon the seasons? What was the reason for doing magic. Not doing any revenge magic and attack get back at those that harmed me. They live happily as I am eternally miserable. I mean it is not like my life got that much better, my dreams came through I was successful in art, had a good job that I enjoyed wheat where I was following a deity or not weather I was Christian or a devoted Celtic pagan witch priestess. All these thoughts made me ashamed of myself and it was hard to connect to the goddess and enjoy stuff at all. I started to do the magical spiritual stuff without expecting anything. It was great I was at peace for a while. It was lovely to meditate be close to the Goddess. The problem was that I ignored the deep wounds in my soul and mind that came up to the surface over and over. No matter what I did to drown it. No sugar, coke could help. even magic and yoga couldn't help in the long run. Cause I needed to get deep enough. Get to the causes the roots of the pain miserable. Acknowledge it. And let it heal. I stumble and fall a lot.

Last weeks poetry

Love is forever
You just don't stop loving someone
It hurts so bad
To be this sad all the time
I could cry rivers
But that doesn't change anything
I am nothing
I am scum
I am lower then dirt
No wonder
You don't even care
No one ever does
No one ever did
I don't fit in
I don't exist in your world
I never did

I am forgotten
I had no worth
My life has no meaning
My tears are blood on the frozen ice
It is all dark and pain within me
My tormented soul cry of remorse
My aching dying heart weeps of the pain
I lost you
You who were the sun life and love
You were my everything
But I was nothing but a toy or even that for you.
It is so hard to accept that I meant so little
I did everything for you
But gained nothing in return
I am dead inside

I am just stupid
A fool to have thought I ever meant anything to anyone.
I don't get to be happy feel love
Achive success
It is so much which is against me
No hope no light no love no happiness
For eternities to come.

Lost and alone I will always be.
I feel so empty
I have nothing left to give
They took everything
Drained me then left me here in this dark work. It is like a hell dimension
Perhaps I am just obsessed with my series
Over identify with some characters
It opens myself to my inner pain and suffering

There is no prince coming for me
No shining knight on the white horse
No savior
I am trapped here in my own
Eternal pain misery
No one is coming for me
I am left here stranded
Dying
I slit my wrists
Blood pouring everywhere
Soul flys up ready to leave
The still body
But it's not my time yet
The soul is pushed back into the body
No one knows of my misery
No one understands the pain
No one understands the emptiness
Within me

They say my poetry is the trashy
They say my poems depress them
But what do they know
About my pain
About suffering misery
Not everyone is born in the sun
Some of us yearn for the sun the light
But unable to get there
Cause something is always dragging
Us down

The others the lucky ones
They don't care
They betray an let you down
Lie and hurt you
Take you for granted
Ignore you until they need you

But don't ever hurt back
Don't ever defend yourself
Treat others as they treat you
Cause then you are the bad guy

I am an awful person cause I envy
Others I want happiness luck joy love and success as they have
It is very unfair
I won't get it ever
I am happy for others joy success love and happiness their luck
But I just wish got some as well
It is painful to smile and be happy for others I know it's awful of me
I just don't care anymore
I have nothing more to loose
It feels so bad

Welcome to my new blog

This is my new blog, it will contain poetry, thoughts about my journey with The Goddess and God. I have started a blog like this earlier but quit cause it gets too dark, or i just feel bored, stupid. Yeah my thoughts and poetry are dark at times. If you cant take it you dont have to read it. Comments are always welcome. I wqrite to share my journey with others, maybe it can help others or make someone feel less weird alone, i dont know.

As some of my readers may know I am a witch and priestess devoted to The Morrigan, Morgana le Fay-Lady of Avalon, Brigid and Lugh. Following a Celtic pagan, avalonian, eclectic wicca path I write and paint often, that is my theraphy. I love magick, rituals, nature, animals, fantasy movies, books. I live in apartment in south of Sweden with my two kitties.